


For Now At Least

by Nocturnal_Daydreams



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternative For Forever, And Connor never died, And they fell in love, Fluff and Angst, I'm just sad about it, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, Suicidal Thoughts, What if Connor found Evan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-04
Updated: 2017-10-04
Packaged: 2019-01-09 03:11:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,710
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12267681
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nocturnal_Daydreams/pseuds/Nocturnal_Daydreams
Summary: What if Connor found Evan before he let go?What if Connor didn't die?What if I could see happy endings and not want to cry forever.What if you could too?I was gonna let this be a tumblr fic but it took me like a month cos I kept getting busy.





	For Now At Least

Evan finished work for the day when he decided to climb a tree. An oak tree approximately 40 foot high. Work had been okay but it was hard to enjoy anything when he felt like cellophane.

He was see-through, invisible.

Nothing he did would make any difference, so what if he never came to work tomorrow? What if he never made it home tonight? No one would be at home. No one would notice. No one would care. 

He felt hopeless. He knew that therapy taught him at this point it would be good to write a letter to himself, even just mentally. He didn’t feel like it. It wouldnt help.

A breeze shook the higher branches and the sun shone through for a second. An idea sparked in Evan’s grey mind.

Maybe height would help. He had always wanted to see things from the treetops. It was such a great idea. All he had to do was climb the tree and see it from the top. Maybe it didn’t matter if he wasn’t included if he could be far away enough to see the beauty.

Evan found he needed a focus when it was all too grey. Something to cling to.

Today, this was it.

If he could do this, he could do it all.

One foot after another, in front of the other. He spotted the best tree to climb. A 40 ft oak tree over to the side nearly at the peak of a hill. The sight made Evan crack a smile. That was it, a feat worth admiring.

A rather flimsy jump got Evan to reaching the first branch. Clumsily he managed to get his legs around and pull his body up until he kneeled on the rather thick branch. From that he found a section to grab and another, a thin branch that held his foot, a sharp edge of a long fallen branch that splintered his right hand, his left grabbed a small burl (a deformaty edging out the side of the trunk of the tree). One foot, one hand, the other and another. Up, up he went up the tree. He dare not look down nor up, he felt like he hadn’t gone anywhere.

This was disappointing.

It was all the same. All still a blur. All still grey. The sun wouldn’t shine on him. He’d never reach the top.

As one branch and another passed by him as he moved up, he felt like it was life, passing him by and pretending to move while he went nowhere. Abruptly he stopped. His right foot on a thin branch, his left on a thin burl, his right arm digging in to a dint and suddenly, out of nowhere, through the grey… Nowhere for his left arm to grab. He couldn’t.

There was a branch another foot and a half away but there was nowhere for him to push off.

His arm didn’t ache. He’d remember that later. Try as he might to forget.

His arm hadn’t gone dead or hurt but the message in his mind to hold on slowly began to falter and stop. He was stuck and there was no way around it. Like him. No one cared for him and since the holidays had started it was like he was the only man left on earth. Usually this would relax him, this year it had been so insanely lonely that he couldn’t bear it.

Maybe if he just let go. “To your left.” Maybe if he just stopped and let go it would all stop. All of it, all the time. The world passing by ever too quickly would stop and all would be calm and it wouldn’t be so, ..so… so…

“OI!” An angry voice yelled from far down below.

The gray coloured with panic. With all the bravery he could muster he looked down. 

There, in all black and grey, hair to his shoulders and an annoyed look on his face.. Was Connor Murphy.

He wondered how someone so grayscale managed to burst colour into his life. By Connor’s growing annoyance however he couldn’t ponder on it long as he reached over on his left. Just as before there was nothing he could see.

“There’s nothing here!”

“Just do it or you’ll be stuck there all day.” Connor shouted back.

“Or I might drop.” Evan said aloud before he stopped himself. He went red when he realised he had said something like that in front of someone else. He tried to stop from panicking. That was the last thing he wanted. He didn’t mean to tell anyone. It just slipped out.

A long huff escaped Connor. Then, softly he said, “Just.. Just trust me, Evan. I won’t let you drop.”

He wants to ask why Connor knew anyone’s name, never mind Evan’s but he held his mouth closed and simply.. trusted Connor.

“Keep going left.” His hand passed further than he could see it. Then onwards, feeling on for something. 

When he was nearly out of reach, Connor instructed, “Down a little.” 

Slowly he inched his arm down until he feels a burl against his wrist. His hand latched onto the burl with an iron grip. 

Evan’s sigh of relief was so audible he almost missed Connor doing the same. Once he looked down to Connor however he finally took in the 25 ft between himself and the ground. He also saw Connor dangling on the bottom branch and with the grace of a gymnast, pulled himself up and starts climbing rather quickly. Evan’s grip seems to tighten as Connor gets ever closer.

In a couple of minutes Connor had caught up.

  


He had stopped just under Evan on a large branch, sat quite comfortably and told him, “I’m gonna grab your left leg and bring it down and continue instructing and helping you until you’re down to me, okay?”

Evan made an affirmative noise. Gently, Connor wrapped his hand around Evan’s ankle. Slowly he lowered him down, although with how fearful Evan was, Connor may as well have yanked him. A second passed and Evan realised Connor was being very gentle and safely lowering his left leg down. A moment later his foot landed on a larger branch and felt stable there. 

Limb by limb, Connor helped Evan down until they were sat on the same large sturdy branch - Evan with his back on the trunk, Connor’s legs dangling with his hands flat on the branch.

Though he was not doing so aloud Evan could tell Connor was counting the seconds in his breaths. 3 in, pause for 2, 4 out. Connor seemed to count slow. He realised while his was for his anxiety, Connor’s seemed to be about controlling his temper. Evan felt guilt blush across his face. 

“You have to be careful, man. You could have broken some limbs or even..” His words scraped through his throat as though through gritted teeth. The last word fell from the sentence as Evan wouldn’t meet Connor’s eyes. The anger melted into empathy, the gritted teeth into a sad sigh, “Oh, Evan, you weren’t…“

The words he can’t speak choke him, capping the top of his throat, his face paints pink and his eyes well up. Finally, his eyes meet Connor’s.

Connor’s jaw clenches as he realises Evan had wanted to drop in the hope that he would die. Their eyes hold to each other and Connor puts one hand forward and until their middle fingertips meet. For now, at least, that’s enough. Evan and Connor both feel less alone.

“I.. I’m sorry. I… I understand. I..” The words stop and Connor needn’t say anymore. Evan brushes his fingers along Connor’s and grabs his hand in reassurance.

“When?”

“Last year. I was just so tired of being so angry. Pot calms me but it’s a depressant. My doctor doesn’t understand. My family doesn’t understand. No one understands.”

“Has it not improved?”

“A little. My mum tries.. But she doesn’t get it.”

“Same.”

“The rest of my family doesn’t even try.” Connor uses the back of his spare hand to wipe away tears.

With the lack of family Evan had he only softly squeezed Connor’s hand.

“Thank you Connor.” Evan murmured.

The branch creaks underneath them and begins to give way. Their grip on each other’s hand tightens.

Suddenly Evan laughs, “Is it just me or does this feel kinda ironic?”

“Sing Alanis Morrisette and I will throw you off the branch face first.” Connor deadpanned.

Evan stopped laughing but the smirk stayed alight. They both tried to figure out their next move but the branch began to drop more and out of the reach of holders. Having no time they simply held tight each others hand the branch finally came loose of the tree and dropped to the floor. They hit branches on the way down but refused to let go. All at once they were both on the ground. That said Evan’s torso was half on Connor’s. Before Evan could think about pushing himself off, he knew his wrist was numb.

“Ah, fuck!” Evan was surprised it wasn’t him saying it. Then he saw the colour of Connor’s leg. The angle of his ankle and he knew they were both stuck. Bringing his other hand out of Connor’s he reached for his phone, saved by his leaning on Connor in the fall. He tried not to think about if he hadn’t have been there.

From there they called an ambulance and went to hospital where he called his mum and by the time she arrived they were chatting about going to get ice cream. They talk well on into the night and each beamed a smile lasting hours for the first time in a long time. Days later saw them signing each others cast and going for ice cream, hands intertwined. Both were far from okay but they felt comforted knowing they had someone. They would be through this together, for his life he could see Connor by him, supporting him and vice versa and for now at least that was enough to keep going. Maybe one day he wouldn't need reason, one day he would just enjoy himself. But Connor would stick by his side anyway. 


End file.
